Full Moon
by Becominglight
Summary: Part of the allthingsclarina first kiss fanfic challenge With her separation to Cadu official, Clara is trying to figure out how to say goodbye to that phase of her life and it leads her to Marinas doorstep...


This time has been very good to understand who I am for real. And when I fell in love with you, Marina, a part of the Clara that I knew died in me. And now with the separation from Cadu the other part of Clara is taking it's leave. I'm full of certainty without being certain and you know what? That is good! Do I sound crazy? But I've never been so clear. Finally I have begun to understand that I am the owner of my own story. Damn, what a responsibility! I can't run away and I don't have the right to do that to myself so the time has come to transform all the fear because without love, nothing is worthwhile, right? Nothing.

I'm sitting on the beach and it's dark. I'm cold, I've been here for far too long, I know I should return home but I don't, instead I'm staring up at the moon that rose above the horizon at dusk, pulling away from the edge of the world as the sun set. It's full, shining silver light across the dark skies. I close my eyes and breath in the salty tang of the ocean, listen to the waves crashing, I listen to the beat of my heart in my chest. I do all these things to try and calm my mind.

Certainty without being certain.

I am certain that Cadu and I are over. For that I shed my tears, rivers of them have tracked down my face, each one is me trying to let go of him and my old life. I felt sure I'd cried every tear I had but somehow there always seems to be more. Ten years of tears. Perhaps there will always be more.

I'm uncertain of what awaits me. My future, once clear, even keeled has been tossed up and is crashing down like the waves on the shore of Copacabana beach and I can feel the waters pulling back within me, perched, ready to crash once more on the sand. I know I must step boldly forward into who I am, no one else can do it for me. I know what I want but it terrifies me, leaves me breathless with anticipation. Gently, gently, I caution myself, there's no rush.  
>I pull out my phone and re-read the e-mail Marina had sent in response to mine three days ago. Just a few word:<p>

My dearest Clarinha,

I will re-read your e-mail a million times while waiting for you. Take the time you need, but please... don't take too long.

I love you. Always.  
>Marina<p>

Always. The word heartens me, makes me less afraid.

I stand to go. I stand to go home to a marital bed that is half empty now but before I do I turn to face the ocean, holding my hands out to my side, close my eyes and send a prayer out to God and to Cadu. I came here to say good bye to him tonight because this is where we first met. The wind whips around me as I form the words in my mind, I feel tears cold against my cheek and send my love out to him like a promise. He will always be my family and the father of my son. May God bless him. When I open my eyes I stand still a moment and wonder if it's done. Maybe I expected more of an event, for the universe to provide a more dramatic bookend to this phase of my life but the waves are still crashing and the moon is still hanging silent, keeping vigil in the night. I turn to go.

It's dark in the apartment. The space yawns and echoes. Ivan is with Cadu tonight and I miss him so much, my sweet boy, I've never spent a night away from him yet. I perch on the couch and look around me, I really look, the way you do when things have changed, you're suddenly jolted back into your skin and you actually pay attention to the things that for so long had faded into the backdrop of your life. I see the vase my mother gave me on our wedding day, the coffee table Cadu and I had picked out together, the faded stain on the couch where Ivan had crushed a half eaten blackberry into the upolstery when he was three. Never could get that out. The longer I sit, the more memories come, they rise up like ghosts in the half-light, whispering to me, they make me feel unsteady, I don't want to be here right now.

I grab the keys and lock the memories away, they bang on the apartment door asking for me to stay and listen to them a little longer but I know they will only make me question my choices because it was good, so very good for so long . To dispel their voices I drive the streets of Rio, busy, bustling and full of life, rattling away in that truck of a car which is too big and guzzles too much petrol.

I eventually find myself pulling into Marina's driveway. Perhaps I meant to come here all along because although it wasn't planned, it doesn't surprise me. As I get out of the car I flex my hands. They feel empty and I feel as though I should have something to offer when I walk through that door. Looking to Marina's garden I see a red rose bush so I pick a flower and chuckle to myself at how ridiculous I am. Its scent is heady. With my heart beating fast, down the pathway I walk, the sound of my feet on the concrete loud in my ears. The moon is there looking at me, silent witness.

There's a light in the studio. At first I think it's empty but in the sofa chair by the window, there she is curled up with a pillow tucked to her chest. I move closer until I'm kneeling down beside her, looking closely, watching her sleep peacefully. She is so beautiful. Her hair falls in waves over her shoulder exposing an elegant neck, her eyelashes resting softly on her cheek. A sleeping beauty sleep. Her lips are plump, inviting and I want to kiss them but I don't, instead I lean in and kiss her on the skin of her neck. She smells of raindrops. I linger, my eyes fluttering close. If I could drink her in I would, if I could bury myself here I could be happy for ever.

She stirs and opens her eyes slowly, sighing sweetly as she wakes and when sees me her face lights up.

"Clara!" she cries and we embrace, her arms curling around my neck, her body warm and soft from sleep. She pulls me up to sit beside her, in fact I'm sitting in her lap, there's no room to fit us both otherwise. We've rarely been this close before. I've skittishly kept her at arms length for months but for those few moments where my arm had no more strength in them and she invaded my personal space the way she invaded my every waking thought. I don't have to do that any more, I realise, keep her at arms length and it feels strange because our holding pattern is breaking up and so is my frame of reference, they are falling away into nothingness. I feel like I'm free falling.

I present her with the red rose and she beams up at me and laughs. It's so full of joy and I can't help but laugh too.

"I've been waiting for you, Clarinha."

"I'm sorry it took me so long."

"You've had a lot to deal with. How are you? I've been dying without news from you. Much longer and I would have turned up on your doorstep, I wouldn't have been able to help myself." she said. "Where's Ivan?"

"He's with Cadu tonight."

"Oh."

The way she says that makes my insides tremble and in that instant the moment flips on itself. We are both thinking the same thing. We're looking at each other and I want her to kiss me so badly but she's not, she's just gazing at me with that hunger I've seen before in her eyes, her lips slightly parted. She's waiting for me. Waiting as she's waited since we met; patiently. Maddeningly so. I know this is a good thing but there have been times when I wish she would've just grabbed and kissed me, my situation be damned. But it's as if God conspired it so that I would have to take that first step. Be the owner of my own story.

My heart beats faster. I slide my hand around the back of her neck slowly, my other hand pushes back her hair and stokes her cheek. Marina's chest begins to rise and fall more quickly, I can feel the swell of her breasts pressing against my rib cage, her arms wrapped around my waist, small hands splayed against my back. I lean in as she tilts her head up and every instant we'd lived together since that night our eyes met is there, crackling in the distance between us like an electric charge until finally I press my mouth to hers and she tightens her grip, pulling me closer. There's a suspended moment while I register the sensation. Then my whole body thrums alive. Our lips part, hungry, demanding. Our tongues slide together and we're groaning into each other, hands clutching as if we can somehow absorb each other, . I breath deep. So soft, so delicious, so pliable. I'm half outside of myself, unable to believe it's happening and yet it is! After month of slow torture, of having to pull away when I wasn't sure if I could, or would or even wanted to anymore.

My sex is throbing, my nipples are hard. I'm ready. I'm ready right now and that surprises me. Until ten seconds ago I thought I'd be hesitant, that I'd want to take it slow. Maybe a kiss today and more... well that would be for later when I could figure out what was what but it's as if those lips are a catalyst bursting that dam of restraint I've so carefully constructed and I've exploded with a need that demands satisfaction.

I have questions, there are things we need to discuss like what does she want and what do I want, how does Ivan fit into her vision of us? Does she want an us in the forever kind of way? I believe I know the answer, I pray I do because never have I met someone who compels me the way she does. Her pull is like gravity, unavoidable, nothing less could have shaken me so entirely and forced me to transform the way I have. I have so many questions but right now I frankly can't remember them and if I did, I wouldn't care, the only thing that matters is getting as close to her as I possibly can, the pulsing energy between us demands it.

I cup her face and slow the kiss to a hot deep burn. Marina responds and I know that she's ready too, the way she pulls at me tells me that. Somehow her hands have slipped under my shirt, it makes me gasp, little stars of electricity shooting out across the surface of my skin and it's so intense I squirm and break our kiss, looking down at her swollen lips, her unfocused gaze. We're both breathing hard. We take a moment before she extricates herself from the chair and she looks down at me. She dips her face and smiles as she holds out a hand, I take it, so delicate and small in mine and she guides me up the stairs.

The bedroom is dark but for silver slivers of moonlight through the windows. We walk towards the bed and then she turns and pulls me into her. We rock on the spot in the dark, our bodies pressed together and she's searching my face, she's making sure I'm okay with this and so I kiss her again, to let her know that I am and that I want this just as much as she does. God, how I want this! I can't explain it, what having her in my arms feels like, it's different and new and exciting but it feels so damned right.

The back of her knees bump against the bed, she pulls me with her as she tumbles down. We're kicking off our shoes and she rolls me under her, her hand pushing up the hem of my top to reveal my stomach. Her lips softly press against my bare skin. I gasp, arching off the bed. It feels like worship. Like reverence. A holy communion.

Clothes fall away. I'm surprised at how confident I feel and how shy she is. Somehow I know how to touch her. Her fingers tremble across my body, she's as overwhelmed as I am by this experience. I see tears in her eyes as our bodies move together, I'm overcome with such tenderness for her, such love. The heat between us expands, it burns, time grows still in the wake of our passion, the present moment is all there is. With touch, taste and sound we fan our desire, we spiral up together and when we come it's so intense it's like a bright light pours into me, like the heavens have opened up, like I am here and everywhere at once, radiating out in all directions.

We lay down, we look at each other. We laugh for the simple reason that it feels so good and she pulls me into her, holding me in an embrace.

"So beautiful, so beautiful." She murmurs and kisses my temple repeatedly and I'm not sure if she means me or what we've just shared. I listen to her heartbeat in my ear and trace my fingers across her skin . Through the window the moon is peaking above the tree line, it looks in at us, these two naked bodies tangled on the bed, as it has no doubt looked in on many newly made lovers. I wonder how many feel the sense of peace that I do. Something inside me feels like it's clicked into place, like a final piece of the jigsaw puzzle. The old Clara with her fears, her guilt, uncertainty burned up and disappeared at some point tonight, ashes on the wind, and I find that I do not mourn her passing because in letting her go I now have something so precious. This is what a transcendent love must feel like. I am humbled by it and so, so grateful.

"I love you so much." I say.

"I love you too." she says smiling sleepily, "always."


End file.
